Dear Diary,
Breaking Leah's heart was the last thing I wanted to do. I love her I really do, but its just not enough anymore. I wish I could have told her why, that was the hardest part. The life that I was born into, was a life I would have never chosen. Had things been different I would have probably stayed with Leah. Now I had Emily. The girl I imprinted on. I've heard of imprinting from the elders. They had said it was a myth, but I guess they didn't know any better. When I saw Emily on the beach it was like my life was dim and she brought the light. She was the gift I didn't know I wanted. The past two weeks that I didn't see Leah I was with Emily. Yes, I know its wrong but I had to know her. I need her, I needed to make sure she was ok. When I made her laugh and my heart skipped a beat I knew that my life was circled around making her laugh that beautiful laugh of hers. Although we hung out those two weeks I knew that it was killing her to see her cousin hurt. Day after day when she sneaked away and asked me if I was going to speak to Leah, my Reply was always the same "I'm not ready". And I wasn't. I wasn't ready to break her heart, but I knew the day had come when Emily voiced her feelings to me. She had told her aunt that she was going for a walk. When I saw her I knew something had been bothering her. "Em, Whats wrong?" "Sam, I don't know whats going on, but I cant deny there's a connection between us, and that's not right. When your gone I can't wait for the next day so that I can see you again. And then when I'm coming to meet you, I feel like jumping out of my skin with anticipation and when where together I feel..."she stopped for a second looking away from me and then whispered "Complete. I don't want to hurt Leah but I cant go pretending I don't feel anything for you any more." She looked at me again and I saw the tears threatening there way out of her eyes. I knew that even if I wasn't ready to face Leah that I had to do it. Talking to Leah wasn't the only thing I had to do. It was time to tell Emily the secret I had and the reasons behind everything. I had spoken to old Quil and he said that imprinting means you found your soul mate and there was no keeping secrets from a person you knew you were going to spend your life with. "Emily" I began taking her hands into mine "I feel the connection to, but before I go talk to Leah I have to tell you something, and I hope you take it well cause I don't know what im going to do if you leave me." she looked at me stunned. I walked her to the nearest log and we sat down. "Have you ever been to one of the reservation bonfires?" I asked. "Umm yeah Leah took me to one last month but she said you where sick." She answered I nodded my head and continued "Do you remember any of the stories they told you?" she nodded "A little. I remember a story about the third wife giving up her life, And then there where stories about tribe members turning into wolfs to protect the tribe." "Right well how would you feel if I told you those where not just stories, and that to this day tribe members turn into wolves to protect the tribe from cold ones?" She looked at me with those perfect eyes. Her face showed no emotion,but I could tell she was wondering, thinking and I knew it was only a matter of time before the questions started. "I wanna see. If the stories are true and your telling me what I think your telling me, and you can turn into a wolf. Prove it to me and show me." she said. Well if this was the reaction that I was going to get I'll take it! I looked at her. Her perfect beautiful face was glowing with what looked like excitement. I smiled at her. If she wanted to see then I would show her. I stood up with her hands still in mine and told her to come with me in the woods. We walked a little bit before I stopped and turned to her "Wait here". She nodded and looked around a little bit. I walked into the woods a little more so that I was out of her sight but she wasn't out of mine. I stripped out of my shorts, it was better to phase with no cloths on, I learned the hard way that when you phase your cloths get shredded. I thought it was best to have cloths for the talk me and Emily would have afterwards. I started to feel the heat rise from with in me and I let it take over I felt my body burst and then I was on all fours. I heard Jared in my head, but ignored him for now I had to concentrate on Emily. I walked closer to her slowly the branches beneath me crunching. I saw her straining her eyes to see where the noise was coming from and then her face went from questioning to shocked. As I came into view she backed away a little. We both stopped and then I saw understanding on her face. I laid down in front of her putting my head on my legs and stared up at her. "Sam?" She asked. I lifted my head and just looked at her. "Its you isn't it" She laughed. I nodded my head and smiled the best I could in this form. I loved her laugh, so musical. she reached her hand out slowly and closed the short distance between us. She scratched behind my ear and I let out soft purr. She laughed a little and I looked at her. "nothing you just sounded like a real dog" . I let out a little bark she jumped but laughed again. "Can you turn back now?" I nodded my head got up and ran back into the trees. I Phased back put my shorts back on and walked back to Emily. She smiled when she saw me and I heart gave and excited jump. When I reached her she hugged me and said "That's really cool!" I laughed and hugged her back. I pulled away a little to look at her, really look at her -her cute little nose and beautiful mouth, her perfect skin and her amazing eyes- stood out to me like never before. Then I realized there was one more thing I needed to tell her. "Emily there one more thing I need to tell you." She took a step back and looked at me. I didn't know how to tell her that she was my soul mate, the love of my life, the person I wanted to wake up to every morning, have kids with and that she was the person I wanted spend the rest of my life making happy. "I imprinted on you"I blurted out. "What the hell is that?" "Its when a wolf finds their soul mate" I said. She looked taken aback like she was trying to figure out what to feel. she finally settled with an "I don't understand" "The moment we find our soul mate. Its like love at first sight but stronger, that day I saw you on the beach with Leah I imprinted on you. The connection you feel between us that's the imprint. I'll do anything to make you happy Emily." She smiled a little bit and then gasped. I looked at her questionably. she said "Leah" and then the tears fell from her eyes. "We can't Sam this will kill Leah" and she ran, I followed her of course, I called her to her but she didn't listen or slow her speed I could have caught up to her but I let her run. When she got home she didn't stop. I heard her go to her room and slam the door. I listened from outside for a bit. It killed me to hear her crying and not be able to go comfort her. I heard Leah walking to her door and asking what happened, I heard Emily Say that she was sorry. I was suddenly hit with the realization of what I had to do. I walked into the house with a nod from Leah's father up and up the stairs. When I said Leah's name she jumped then threw her arms around me. I winced knowing that what I was about to do was going to be difficult for the both of us. I pulled away and looked at the girl I onced loved. "Leah can we talk?" ~Sam
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Dear Diary, Ever since the incident on the beach I haven't spoken to or seen Sam. It's been two weeks! two long drawn out horrible weeks. It wasn't like before when we didn't talk, this time felt different. I couldn't pin point the reason it felt different but I just knew things weren't going to be the same. I had asked Emily if she knew what happened but all she said was "Im just as confused as you are", but there was something she wasn't telling me. I believed her when she said she was confused but I KNEW she wasn't telling me something.There was a certain spark in her eye when ever I mentioned his name but I couldn't figure out the emotion. Things where certainly weird in the Clearwater house. My dad was always hovering over me or out with his friend charlie. Charlie was the forks police department's, Chief of police. A few people had gone missing close to town, so they've both been out searching. For what? I'm not sure, But I do know that I'm not allowed to leave the res till they find what ever there looking for. My dad was very upset by the disappearance's and kept going on and on about protecting the tribe. He was so obsessed with the tribe legends I on the other hand could care less, but today was the monthly bonfire and everyone would be going. I was hoping that Sam would attend and we can finally talk. The talking part was what was killing me. I was scared he was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear. I couldn't shake the feeling believe me I had tried. Everyday when I woke up I would tell myself "Sam loves me, Everything's fine." but there was a little voice inside my head that kept telling me to stop lying to myself. It hurt to even think of my life without Sam. He was like my air, With out him I couldn't breath. While I was getting ready for the bonfire there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" Emily yelled. I heard her open the door and gasp. I heard whispering and then the door closed. "Emily?" I called from up stairs. "I just saw her leave"My mom said coming in to my room. "With who?" I asked. My mom looked down like she didn't want to tell me. I looked at her confused. "She left with Sam" My heart sank to the very bottom of my stomach. I didn't want to hear any more. I walked to my bed and told my mom to close the door behind her as the questions flooded my mind. Why did he come to see her and not me? Has she seen him since the incident on the beach? Are they both keeping a secret from me? I don't understand what could he talk to Emily about that he couldn't talk to me about?! I heard the door slam down stairs and my mom ask Emily whats wrong. She got no answer. I then heard Emily come up the stairs and slam the door to the guest room. What the hell? I thought to myself. I got up off the bed and walk out of my room and to the guest room where I heard Emily's soft cries. I knocked on the door and she yelled for me to go away. "Emily are you alright?" I asked "Leah I'm soooo sorry" She said threw her tears. "About what?!" I asked. I was tired of the secrets. "Leah can we talk?" I jumped a foot in the air and turned around to see Sam, standing in my hallway. "Sam!" I yelled "I missed you" I threw my arms around him, but he did not return my embrace. I felt the tears well up in my eyes but I blinked them away quickly before letting go. "I'll meet you at the beach" He said. He looked at me sympathetically and headed down the stairs. I felt the distance between us instantly. I walked down the stairs as if I have just been sentenced to death. I walked to the beach, head down and arms wrapped around myself. I wish I didn't have to put myself threw this but I knew what was coming I had just been denying it, lying to myself hoping for the best NOT prepared for the worst. I got to the beach I knew where he would be "Our spot" but it didn't seem like it was ours any more the way he stood there just made him seem like it was any other spot. Not where we had met each other or said our first I love you's. It wasn't the spot where he had created the most romantic little get away on our 1 year anniversary, where I had given my virginity to him. I felt the tears well up again but this time I let them fall. When I got closer to, I faced away from him and towards the beach. "Please don't do this to me Sam" I heard my voice cracked "Leah I wish there was a way that I can make you understand but I cant. I'm sor-" I cut him off "Don't say your sorry Sam, If you where you wouldn't be doing this to me" I wiped my cheeks. I couldn't turn to look at him, If I did I would crumble. "Just tell me why Sam. Why did you tell me you love me if this is where we were going to end up. Why did you let me fall so deeply in love with you if you where just going to break my heart in the end. Why did you make it, so that every thought I had was about you! Why did you let me plan our future if you where going to leave! What did I do to deserve this" I put my face in my hands and let myself cry. I felt his arms come around me but I pushed away from him. His touch was enough to make me hope, but all hope was lost because when I looked at him he didn't have that look any more, the look that said he loved me and only me. "Leah I am sorry. The last thing ever wanted to do was hurt you, but now there's no gravity holding me to you any more" That's all it took to have me crumble to my knees and feel my heart shatter. "How am I supposed to live with out you?". For that he had no answer. I looked up from my place on the floor and saw that he also had tears in his eyes. "If your hurting as much as I am how can you let go so easily" "I tried to fight it Leah. I don't want to do this hurting you is making me sick! I wish there was away that I could make you understand" he rubbed his face in frustration. "If your going to leave Sam then just leave. I cant take it any more, maybe with you gone some of the pain will lessen." "Let me take you home at least." he offered, I shook my head. I just wanted to be alone to suffer my own pain feel the heart break. I didn't see him leave but I heard him and as he stood by the edge of the woods he turned his head back and whispered "I'm sorry" one last time before walking into the woods. When he was gone I crawled to the spot that was once ours and curled up next to the tree. I stayed there for ours and let myself cry. This spot that was once ours was no longer the start off something wonderful instead it was the end of a tragic love story. ~Leah Dear Diary,
It's been 1 week since Sam and I reunited. Everything since then has been great. With a few exceptions, Sam was acting very weird lately. He got upset over the smallest things and when he did he would start to shake like he was having a seizure, I would step forward to see if I can do anything to help but he would put his arm out and yell "Stay back Leah!" Stopping me instantly in my tracks. Afterwards he would just run out of my door and into the woods and I wouldn't hear from him for the rest of the day. When I would ask him where he'd gone he simply said "I just needed to clear my mind so I went for a run" then he would silence me with a kiss making me forget about everything I wanted to ask him. We would spend our days at the beach. Sam found a new hobby, Cliff diving. He tried to convince me to go but I wouldn't I wasn't scared or anything I just wasn't to fond about risking my life. So I watched him from the beach happy to see him happy. I smiled to myself thinking about Sam he was everything I wanted in a man and I was thankful everyday to have him in my life, he made me a better person. On this unusually sunny day I was waiting for Sam to hurry and pick me up. We where headed to the beach again. After the hundredth time he asked me to go cliff diving I finally gave in, on one condition we dive from a lower point than the very top of the cliff. He agreed and then he was so excited he picked me up and spun me around, he was happy he could share this experience with me. I heard a knock on the door and bounded down the stairs. I opened the door and said "Hey there handsome" I smiled. "Hey there cutie" he gave me a quick peck "you ready to go". "Nah I've only been waiting for almost an hour so there's no possible way for me to be ready" I said very heavy on the sarcasm. He snorted a laugh "Lets go babe before the sun goes away" I nodded grab my bag and left. "LEAH!!!" My mom yelled from the porch. I turned around to face her. "You and Emily haven't been spending time together, just a reminder that you have a cousin visiting and its rude to do things without her" I nodded and promised that I would do something with her soon. My mom was right, although I didn't forget about her I wasn't really doing much with her since Sam showed up again. As we got closer to the beach my nerves grew more and more, I was starting to think this was a bad idea. When we reached the lower point of the cliff I realized it wasn't as low as I wanted it to be. "Sam ummmm..I don't know about this" I said a little shaky. He pulled me into his strong arms. "Babe its going to be fine I promise. come on the first time we can jump together." I nodded and hung on tight to him, he put his lips to my ear and counted down. "3 2 1" he jumped and we where in the air with the fast approaching water beneath us.It felt amazing be up in the air like that I felt free. I let out a excited scream before the water hit us and swallowed us under. We where disentangled by the under water waves as we swam to top and found each other again, I smiled brightly at him. "So I'm guessing you like it?" he asked as he put is arms around my waist. I nodded as I wrapped my legs around him and put my arms around his neck. "Can we do it again?" He gave me his award winning smile and a peck on the lips. "I'll race you back" He said. I laughed, He was always so competitive, even with me. I let go of him and started to swim as fast as I could towards the beach. Of course he won but I wasn't to far behind. When I reached the beach I sat down for a second to catch my breath. Sam sat next to me and put his arm around me. "Your a slow poke babe" He laughed. I settled for a glare and he laughed some more. "Wait till I tell Jared about this" Jared's a friend of Sam's, they've become quite close lately. When I asked about it he said that "Jared just understands". I wasn't able to ask any more question the sound in his voice made it seem like he didn't want to talk about it so I let go, for now any way. I guess they shared the bond of being sick in the same kind of way. I think they also went to the gym together cause Jared was just as big as Sam was, I mean not that I was paying attention but it was kind of hard NOT to notice. After I my breathing slowed down I got up and made my way back to the cliff. I stood at the edge and told Sam to go first. "I wanna jump by myself this time but I want you to wait for me at the bottom" He smiled kissed me and flew onto the air doing a flip before he hit the water. Show off, I thought to myself. I waited for him to come up before hyped myself up to jump next, as soon as I was about throw myself into the air I heard my name being called. "Leah what are you doing?" Emily asked. I jumped and turned around "Emily you scared the crap outta me! what are you doing up here?" I asked her. "I was going for a walk and saw you up here. So I wanted to see what you where doing." She said mater of factly "Im cliff diving with Sam. Wanna join?" I asked her, remembering the conversation I had earlier with my mom so I figured id ask. "Leah come on!" I heard Sam yell from below. "Im coming" I yelled back. Emily joined me at the edge of the cliff looked down then back up. "Ummm no, I think I'll just wait for you down by the beach"She said "Ok I'll be there in a sec, then we can do something together". She smiled at the thought, nodded her head and left. I took a deep breath and jumped. It was much better this time, I felt the adrenaline rush more than I did before as I flew through the air. The next thing I knew the water came rushing past me. I stayed under for awhile just enjoying the feeling of no gravity, stupid I know but that's me I guess. As I reached the top strong arms wrapped around me and familiar lips touched mine. We kissed for awhile just enjoying the water and being with each other. I pulled away far to soon for my liking, remembering that my cousin was waiting for me on the beach. "Come on Sam, Emily's waiting on the beach for me" I pulled out of his embrace and started to swim, But he grab my arm and pulled me back to him. He stared at me with those beautiful eyes of his and smiled. "What?" I asked. "Nothing, I just Love You." He stated. My heart melted and skipped a beat. "I Love You to babe, I really do" I smiled and he brought his lips to mine again for a quick but passionate kiss. After I reminded him about my cousin we swam back to the beach. I could see Emily sitting down, She was reading some kind of book. She got up when she heard us coming. "Hey Em" "Hey Lee" She smiled. Sam came up next to me and wrapped his arm around me. "Emily this is Sam, Sam this is my cousin Emily" I heard a sharp in take of breath come from Sam, at the same time he dropped his arm. I stared at him and his face looked was as if he just received the best gift of all time. I looked in the direction he was staring and saw that he was looking at Emily. What the hell? Emily looked back at him confusion and wonder written on her face. "Do you two know each other?" I asked. "It's Emily" Sam said. "What about Me?" Emily asked in a whisper "Yeah Sam that's Emily my cousin, Now can you tell me what the hell is going on?" He didn't stop staring at her, there was a look of adoration on his face mixed with understanding wonder and confusion. I couldn't take it anymore I stepped in his line of vision making him look at me and when he did the look on his face made me want to cry. He looked at me with anger then apologetic before he settled on looking just lost. "I have to go"he said "No Sam tell me what's wrong!" I yelled "Im so so so sorry Leah" he said before taking off into the woods. "About what?!?" I yelled but I got no response. I turned back to Emily who was staring at the spot where Sam disappeared. What the hell just happened? I asked myself. One thing I did know, it wasn't anything good and just the thought made me sick to my stomach. ~Leah Dear Diary,
1 Month Before and right after Sam's phone call. After I got Sam's phone call I ran so fast up the stairs a cheetah would have been stunned. I raced to my closet so I can find something to wear. It had to be something cute, something saying "yeah this is what you been missing" but casual enough to let him know I wasn't trying to hard. I rushed to the bathroom before Seth got a chance, that boy is worse than a girl. I showered quickly, changed and headed for the door with out so much as a goodbye to my parents. Hey they knew how long I've been waiting for this. The beach wasn't to far from my house so I decided to walk, trying to keep a normal pace so I wont seem to eager. Once I got there I walked directly to mine and Sam's "Special spot", which was only a fallen tree branch by the woods, but its where we had made things official. Ever since then it was declared our spot. As I approached I saw Sam coming out of the woods and I couldn't contain myself any more. "Sam!" I yelled catching his attention as I ran to him. His head shot up and his smile matched mine. The smile that would light up a dark room. He caught me easily and lifted me up spinning us around as we stared into each others eyes captured by the moment. When it was me and Sam no one else mattered no one even existed any more. This was the man I gave my heart to so easily and I was hopping and praying he would never break it. He set me down and kissed me. The kiss sent a heat wave through my body, but it wasn't only the kiss. It was then that I noticed the changes in him.I pulled back and stared at him, his height, He was ALOT taller then before sure he was always taller than me but now he towered over me. His muscles, yes he's always had them but now they where more defined (not that im complaining) and his body heat was warmer like he just walked threw fire. "Sam are you ok? you feel like you have a fever are you still sick?" I asked him. "I'm fine babe I promise just some after affects of when I was sick" he replied I looked at him still a little warily but let I it go quickly.We sat quietly on our branch just enjoying each others company. "What was really wrong with you?" I asked breaking the silence. He sighed before answering"I was just sick Leah really sick and I didn't want you to catch it." I nodded my head and looked away. There was something he wasn't telling me, I could feel it but i let it go not wanting to ruin our reunion which was starting to become a little awkward. "So what did you do while I was gone" he asked, putting his arm around me. I leaned into him and said "Well except being worried sick about you I hung out with my cousin Emily she's here visiting from the mehka res., other than that sleep I guess." He chuckled "You do love to sleep" I laughed with him "Yes I do!". "Remember that time I had to pick you for our date-" I cut him off "and you had to wait an hour before I was ready cause I feel alsleep in the bath." We were both craking up at that point. I was so relaxed in my bubble bath that I actually fell alsleep, when my mom walked in she snapped a picture the flash alone had me flying out of the tub. I laughed some more and then stood up. "Come on, lets take a walk on the beach" he nodded took my hand and started walking. It was favorite time of day, Twilight. The sun was setting so the entire beach looked magical. I squezzed Sam's hand tighter and leand my head on his shoulder. "I'm really glad your better. I missed you so much". He stopped and turned to me. "I'm really sorry I didn't call or let you come see me. It'll never happen again Leah I promise." he leaned down and kissed me. God how I loved his kisses, smooth sensual and passonate. I could kiss him for days. We finally pulled away and put our foreheads together just smiling at one another. This is what I fell in love with. "Hey guys!" I heard seth yell from down the beach. "Hey Seth" Sam and I yelled back. Seth jogged up to us smiling. He pat Sam on the shoulder and said "Glad your back on your feet Sam I thought Leah was gonna pace a hole through the floor waiting for your call" Sam laughed and I went to smack Seth up against his head but he ducked before I reached him so I settled for a "Shut it Seth" and a glare. "Hey some of us are playing football up the beach, wanna join? Emily's there too shes the only girl so it would help her out a little not by much though" He laughed. I looked at sam for an answer but he shook his head and answerd "Nah where good man but we'll be down the beach if you need us". Seth nodded his head "Ok love birds see ya" "Bye!". The rest of the day was spent together reconnecting. When it got dark sam walked me home kissed me on the porch with a promise to see me tomorrow. For now everything was ok everything was as it should be. It was all ok in Leah's world. Little did I know it was about to come crashing down..... ~Leah Dear Diary,
I wish everyone would just leave me alone. Im not some stupid teenager that cries over a boy for days! IM OVER IT! ok yes I just lied. I'm not at all over it but I refuse to let my emotions break surface and show. Yes, my heart breaks every time I see him with Emily. How gentle he touches her now scratched face, how he looks at her with total devotion respect and love but the fact still remains I wont let anyone see how I truly feel.That, I hate that he used to look at me like he looks at her and that's what hurt most, the fact that I now know he never meant any of it. All those times he told me he loved me, the times that we....I cant even think about it. I put on this tough facade because im tired of people looking at me with pity and sadness. I hate that my own family hesitates to invite me places because they know HE's going to be there. I hated that my own father tried to stick up for him by saying "He's going threw a tough time Leah" what about me? yeah me! The girls who's heart got broken cause he was going threw "A tough time". I didn't understand why he did this to me! The girl that was there waiting for him when he disappeared for months. The only reassurance I had was when my dad went to go visit him and told me all about his where abouts. All I was allowed to know was "Hes very very sick and cant have any visitors". My instincts at the time had been to not care and go any way. I remember calling him everyday and getting his voice mail. "Hey you reached Sam" Beep. "Hey babe its me. Call me please I'm worried and I just want to hear your voice." I hung up the phone and paced the floor waiting for the phone to ring, but to my utter disappointment there was never a call back. My brother Seth would come into my room sometimes and tell me that I was going to pace a whole in the floor, To that comment he recieved a toss pillow to the head and a "Get the hell out seth!!". I sat down on my bed crossed legged and just stared at my phone. I was worried for my boyfriend I didnt know what illness he had or how sick he was. All I wanted to do was be at his beside and help him with anything but I was refused that privileged. I didn't understand why my dad could go and I couldn't but he said something about the illness not being contagious for men. What a load of crap! On the days that I wasn't waiting for a phone call I was with my cousin Emily who was visiting for a while. I took her to the beach and showed her around told her all about my lovely caring sweet and amazingly hot boyfriend. We had laughed and laughed and talked for days. The only time we apart for her visit was when I finally got the call I was waiting for. "Leah the phone!" my mom had called up the stairs. I could hear the smile in her voice. I ran down the stairs and grab the phone. "Hello?" I held my breath "Leah its me" Finally my Sam. "Where are you? Are you ok? I miss you. Can I come see you? are you still sick?" All my questions came flooding out not even letting him get a word in. "Leah honey calm down. I'm home, Yes I'm fine now I miss you to and yes I'm coming to see you in a little bit I have to make a few more calls and no I'm not sick any more all though it feels like I am." He said. I smiled at the thought of seeing him. "I was so worried something happened" "I know I'm sorry I didn't call. I didn't want you to hear me in pain" he paused and before I could say anything he quickly added " but I'm fine now, lets just put this behind us and move on". I could do that and I would do that, I would do anything for him. We had chatted for a little longer before he promised to meet me at our favorite spot on the beach. I hurried up the stairs to get ready, I felt like it was our first date. If i knew then what I know now I wouldn't have let myself fall heavenly in love with Sam Uley but instead I fell stupidly in love with the person that was going to cause the destruction of my own heart. When I think of it the tears seem to flow endlessly the only thing to stop it is when my eyes shut putting me into a deep un~peaceful slumber. ~Leah |
InfoLeah Clearwater is a woman consumed by the jealousy in her heart. She walks a dark and bitter path loved by no one and trapped by fate. Leah walks her path determemined to find an escape at the end of the bitter sweet oblivian she has chosen to walk. Leah's diary is written by Amanda Fan PageArchives |