Dear Diary,
I wish everyone would just leave me alone. Im not some stupid teenager that cries over a boy for days! IM OVER IT! ok yes I just lied. I'm not at all over it but I refuse to let my emotions break surface and show. Yes, my heart breaks every time I see him with Emily. How gentle he touches her now scratched face, how he looks at her with total devotion respect and love but the fact still remains I wont let anyone see how I truly feel.That, I hate that he used to look at me like he looks at her and that's what hurt most, the fact that I now know he never meant any of it. All those times he told me he loved me, the times that we....I cant even think about it. I put on this tough facade because im tired of people looking at me with pity and sadness. I hate that my own family hesitates to invite me places because they know HE's going to be there. I hated that my own father tried to stick up for him by saying "He's going threw a tough time Leah" what about me? yeah me! The girls who's heart got broken cause he was going threw "A tough time". I didn't understand why he did this to me! The girl that was there waiting for him when he disappeared for months. The only reassurance I had was when my dad went to go visit him and told me all about his where abouts. All I was allowed to know was "Hes very very sick and cant have any visitors". My instincts at the time had been to not care and go any way. I remember calling him everyday and getting his voice mail. "Hey you reached Sam" Beep. "Hey babe its me. Call me please I'm worried and I just want to hear your voice." I hung up the phone and paced the floor waiting for the phone to ring, but to my utter disappointment there was never a call back. My brother Seth would come into my room sometimes and tell me that I was going to pace a whole in the floor, To that comment he recieved a toss pillow to the head and a "Get the hell out seth!!". I sat down on my bed crossed legged and just stared at my phone. I was worried for my boyfriend I didnt know what illness he had or how sick he was. All I wanted to do was be at his beside and help him with anything but I was refused that privileged. I didn't understand why my dad could go and I couldn't but he said something about the illness not being contagious for men. What a load of crap! On the days that I wasn't waiting for a phone call I was with my cousin Emily who was visiting for a while. I took her to the beach and showed her around told her all about my lovely caring sweet and amazingly hot boyfriend. We had laughed and laughed and talked for days. The only time we apart for her visit was when I finally got the call I was waiting for. "Leah the phone!" my mom had called up the stairs. I could hear the smile in her voice. I ran down the stairs and grab the phone. "Hello?" I held my breath "Leah its me" Finally my Sam. "Where are you? Are you ok? I miss you. Can I come see you? are you still sick?" All my questions came flooding out not even letting him get a word in. "Leah honey calm down. I'm home, Yes I'm fine now I miss you to and yes I'm coming to see you in a little bit I have to make a few more calls and no I'm not sick any more all though it feels like I am." He said. I smiled at the thought of seeing him. "I was so worried something happened" "I know I'm sorry I didn't call. I didn't want you to hear me in pain" he paused and before I could say anything he quickly added " but I'm fine now, lets just put this behind us and move on". I could do that and I would do that, I would do anything for him. We had chatted for a little longer before he promised to meet me at our favorite spot on the beach. I hurried up the stairs to get ready, I felt like it was our first date. If i knew then what I know now I wouldn't have let myself fall heavenly in love with Sam Uley but instead I fell stupidly in love with the person that was going to cause the destruction of my own heart. When I think of it the tears seem to flow endlessly the only thing to stop it is when my eyes shut putting me into a deep un~peaceful slumber. ~Leah
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InfoLeah Clearwater is a woman consumed by the jealousy in her heart. She walks a dark and bitter path loved by no one and trapped by fate. Leah walks her path determemined to find an escape at the end of the bitter sweet oblivian she has chosen to walk. Leah's diary is written by Amanda Fan PageArchives |