Dear Diary,
I had a bad day, I try my best not to stand out, I always sit at the back of the class in the corner desk, I spend a lot of time doodling pictures or just writing random stuff out. I never did try the school work, it's just too hard for me, I mean some stuff I could understand, but not everything, not like the rest of my class mates. Finally it was lunch time and I went to my locker to put my books away when I felt this sharp pain in the back of my head. I placed my hand at the back of my head and turned around, no one was there when I looked down I saw a red apple on the ground. How wonderful someone pegged an apple at the back of my head, I went back to putting the books in my locker and taking the ones out for my next class a few moments later someone came near me and leaned on one of the lockers "hey fudge pecker what are you doing." I looked at the guy, he was in some of my classes and I had no idea who he was to be honest, he was one of the regular bullies who picked on me though. I thought about the insult it was an odd one, "Nothing just getting my books for next class ready" I answered him, the bully seemed surprised that I did not respond to the insult and he just kept talking about something, I did not bother listening to him I was rather cynical at this point, anyone being nice to me meant they had to be plotting something. I went to class as usual and sat on the back and I thought about this song I liked, it was something that I thought about when I was having suicidal thoughts. The song is called Hero by Superchik. So this is how some of the lyrics go No one sits with him he doesn't fit in. but we feel do when we make fun of him cause you want to belong do you go along cause his pain is the price for you to belong it's not like you hate him or want to die, but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide or he comes back to school with a gun at his side any kindness from you might have saved his life hero's are made when you make a choice Its deep and insightful lyrics, it keeps me going realizing deep down in this destructive world, I am not alone somewhere out in the world is my best friend and he or she is waiting for me. I need to confess to you diary while I love this song, I also find myself wondering this means anything to the band Superchik, I mean can they relate to this song or are they just marketing on the pain and suffering of people like me. Did they ever feel suicidal...did they ever want to do a school shooting...probably not their a christian rock band....Christian rock band HA that’s hysterical. Something else I need to tell you, while I never thought of going to school with a gun I can understand it. When school shootings happen, the news always portrays the shooter as a villain, they just say "oh he was bullied or never fit in or he was weird." they portray those who escape the school as victims, you see angry parents of the kids who did not survive complaining about school security and cursing the shooter. If I could I would say this not just to the parents of those who lost children, but to the survivors too "well you know what if the shooter was a villain it's only because your shallow and thoughtless children turned him into one, you just say oh he was bullied, like it's so casual do you have any idea how much it fucks a person up, how much emotional and physical pain it leaves on a person, the wounds it leaves, the scars never heal, it will always be there, haunting you, giving you nightmares and leaving you to feel so low about yourself that you just want it all to stop one way or another, but no, you never even considered that have you? Because just like your children, you're self centered sociopath assholes who never once stopped to think how your actions or their actions affect someone else. So instead of thinking how you arrived to this situation maybe it's best to stop your bitching and think how could you have prevented it." I know that may sound harsh, but it's how I feel. I have never thought of harming another, but I can understand why kids go off and solves things with bullets. I am pretty cynical about humanity and despite my name, I have no faith...don’t worry the irony is not lost on me, people will either use you and throw you away when you are done or they hurt you so it's best not to get involved, it's what I do, I just nod my head and smile and go on my way pretending to be a normal and happy person, but truth be told I am not, I feel dead inside, I don't feel anything, no joy or nothing. I went home today and I thought about dropping out of high school to go to a community college, when I told my parents, my mother said "Faith you're not smart enough for it, you are barely surviving high school as it is." I had to admit I deserved everything I got from her, that’s what happens when I open myself up to my parents....they just keep putting me down. I know what's going to happen, I can see it, I will be stuck taking care of them because my siblings were smart enough to move out years ago. The thought of being stuck with my parents, and being alone for the rest of my life it's enough to make me want to die. I thought about the lyrics again and went to my room to lock the door, I kept on telling myself I was stupid for opening myself up to my parents, maybe I am masochistic, I enjoy pain, I live for it and that’s why I open up to them, or maybe it's because I feel so alone I just want to have someone to confide in and bond with without fear of ridicule...I am being stupid, I should just keep my mouth shut and keep to myself and hope that I don't wake up from my sleep or I get hit by a space station or something. An instant and painless death if only I was lucky enough for that, Would I be missed...probably not, I am sitting in my room right now it's a Friday night and I am bored out of my skull, yup this is how I spend every night and day trapped in my room as if it's a prison cell. I wonder what it's like to be able to go out and be myself...to go clubbing with friends and dance until the early morning. I imagine it must be so liberating to be free of all the things that is keeping me on the ground, I think it's best I never experience it, because soon the time of joy would have to end and I would find myself back in this prison thinking of that wonderful night constantly only to haunt me telling me yes I had a great time, but I will never have a night again.....I can't stand this I got myself all worked up Diary I think I am going to go now, I'll be back later. ~Faith
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Dear Diary,
I spent today alone at school again, I am pretty much used to being alone, I tend to spend my time watching people, sometimes I often get lost in my thoughts and over think things. It's something I try not to do, because usually the thoughts come to self reflection and I hold myself in such a low opinion, my thoughts get pretty ugly. I found myself thinking a lot about several things today, the thing that occurred to me most is the irony of a hate crime. I mean if you define a Hate crime it is when a perpetrator targets a victim because of a perceived membership of a specific social group usually defined by race, it can also be from religion, sexual orientation, disability, ethnicity, nationality or gender. The thing is if a white person attacked an African- American then it's considered a hate crime and it's judged a lot harsher than a normal crime of that stature, but I find it ironic, I mean all crimes are a crimes of hate so why say "this is a hate crime" just because the color of skin or based on what I have wrote above. Its ridiculous, if you look at history, all African-Americans want is equal rights, to be treated the same, how is it equal rights if someone attacked them got a worse punishment because of the color of skin, if anything that is not equal rights, but special treatment. So you can see why I find a hate crime ironic, but that’s only only in one example then there is all the other social groups I mentioned and it's the same, because everyone asks to be treated equal but no one gets it because we are too busy punishing people too harshly for small things that makes us different, also I heard about something else, but am not too sure on this, I have to research it, I heard people who kill police officers get capital punishment which means death row. I don't really understand that I mean they say it's because they're a Police Officer, I don't see what the big deal is, I mean it's not because they're noble or selfless, they're not doing it from the goodness of their own hearts, they get paid to do protect and serve, so if they die on the job, then why should it matter, all jobs have workplace hazards, nothing in life is certain. yet we hold the lives of police officers in such high standards that their lives mean more than the lives of everyone else how is that fair, how is that equality? All lives are worth the same so why should someone die if they kill a police officer, when if they killed a normal person they would just get jail? A life is a life occupation should not matter. So yeah this is what happens when I sit alone at lunch, I have these strange thoughts, I over think things way too much, well I maybe missing some stuff I don't really know, these are just thoughts that came to mind. The rest of the day was pretty normal, usual bullying and such. I need to go now I got homework to do. ~Faith Dear Diary,
I was at school today it turned out to be the usual insults and taunting, nothing new I spent a great deal of time thinking a lot , and I realized I have come a long way since I was a kid. I am 17 and I can admit to myself I am gay, I still cant admit to others, but hey baby steps right, I just need to take this slow. I have been gay for a long time now, The first time I realized I was gay was when i was 11, I remember watching this episode of Jerry springer and there was this really handsome guy on as one of the guest and I felt well....well you know. I was 11 at the time, and at first I did not understand what it was I was feeling, but when I did realize it I was horrified I mean I went to church and my family was religious gay people = Hell simple as that all gay people go to hell and here I was gay. I would always tell myself it would be ok, sure I was gay, but I would never act on this impure urges, I could have fantasy’s about it, but never will I allow myself the experience, I always thought that might be enough to satisfy god. I would also pray to god to make me straight to take away the gay, but it never helped anything & then I would swear to myself not to have homosexual thoughts every time I thought of a guy in that what I would scratch myself up until the point there were white marks on my arms from my nails. Then there were times I would go into great despair, I would just cry and cry and asked myself why me, I was already the dumbest person in class and I could never get anything right I also had no talent what so ever, so why did he have to make me gay too, haven’t I got enough on my plate to handle. I hated myself so much for having these impure thoughts, I still do hate myself for liking guys instead of girls, I still ask all the time why me?, Why did I have to be gay? couldn't I be straight. every time I had a thought about men, I forced myself to think of women, but it always turned me off. I have always been one to have suicidal thoughts, I think about it a lot because of the bullying, but this is also an incentive to do it. I mean if I died I would be free from all the loathing and hate and guilt I felt for being gay. I still hate myself a lot and believe I am going to hell for gay. My parents also keep talking about finding me a smart woman who could cook and take care of me and keep the house clean, and I was just a kid at the time. they still do it now, they have no Idea I am gay, sometimes it would come up in a discussion when we something like a gay person on TV, or as my mom likes to call them "fags or poofters." My mom told me, Faith I don't care if your gay your still my son and I would love you." I know its touching right, then she adds in "of course if you were gay it would be a huge disaster for the family and no one in our family would want to be anywhere near you Ever!." My dad of course calls gay people "Funny people" he believes gay people are sick in the head and needs medical treatment, as if that will work. A lot of people say being gay is a choice, well let me just say this who in their fucking right mind would choose to be gay Who would choose to be discriminated against, tormented, mocked, who would choose to have everyone hate them for the way they were born, BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE. I would never choose this, since I was a kid I lie everyday to those I care about, because I know if I told them they would hate me and even though they never really love me it would still kill me because I love them greatly. who would choose to be persecuted by over 90% of the regions world wide. Who would chose that not me, Who would choose to live a life of secret & solitude. Do you think I enjoy being alone all the time, or that I am living a Lie I always have to watch what I say and do so I don’t give myself away, i go through all this effort for a bunch of homophobic people that claim's to love me, but would disown me if they knew the truth. I love my family, but I have reached breaking point I just want to move away from them and start a life where I can be honest about who I am, and I don't want to be alone any more I want.....friends. I don’t want to be alone, I really don't and I don't want to be stuck with my parents they claim to understand me and read me like a book, but they can't they don't know a god damn thing about me and I am scared always scared that I am going to be alone I don't want to be alone anymore. But I am always alone and I always have to lie to the ones I love to protect them, Everyday that I wake up is a day I wish I hadn't because a little more of me dies each and every day, I am fading away and I have no Idea what will be left in place of me. I also get so angry all the time, because I can never be accepted it eats at my nerves and I loose it over little things. Trust me I would do anything to be straight to have Natural heterosexual thoughts and fantasy's and not the ones, that swim in my head, But I can't I am what I am and I have accepted it. I mean I feel like I am a monster a bad person for having these thoughts I hate myself so much for being this way. WHY can't I be like everyone else, It hurts to be gay to always be an outcast and never fit in, I mean the kids at school knew I was gay before I knew they would call me fudge pecker and a fag and i was like huh. It's hard to deal with and I keep trying to tell you how much I hate myself and how much I hurt inside for being gay, but I can't go into the full detail because there is no magnitude for the pain I always feel. I accept I am gay that the thought of men turns me on, I did not asked to have my brain wired that way, I have tried everything, but nothing has worked, now that I accept what I am, that I am indeed going to hell someday for being gay it makes sense to come out to my family right ? well you are wrong I can't do that, I can't bare the thought of having them hate me, I mean if they hate me for being gay then it's only fake love they have for me and not real unconditional love....I would rather have fake love then no real love at all. ~Faith Dear Diary,
I find myself often questioning my intelligence and my sanity, I mean I know I am stupid and worthless and not worth a single dollar, I am not as smart as those my age, I mean they're all genius' compared to me. I get the lowest grades in my class . I mean I try and I try, but I just fail at everything. I am completely useless. By the way I describe my intelligence you are probably wondering how am I questioning my intelligence when I am calling myself stupid. What I mean by questioning my intelligence is I am questioning that I am afraid that I am stuck in one big delusion that revolves around my intelligence,. What if I am crazy, What if I see myself as an idiot with normal intelligence, but in reality my intelligence is at level of mental retardation and I am just delusional trapped in a mental prison of the mind. So you can see now how I am questioning my intelligence, I mean here I am, I could think I am a perfectly normal person living in today’s world, when in reality I am just this stupid person saying stupid things and drawing attention onto myself, Do you have any idea what it's like to question your intelligence, question your sanity and question the very fabric of my reality. Some questions that goes through my mind What if I am not saying this ? What if I said or did something worse than what I did? What if this is not happen? So many questions plague me. I have more than those questions and I am probably not alone in having questions, I bet everyone has it, but these questions I have I can not bare, I mean I am 17 years old and I have never been in love & most of the time I feel completely numb, I don't feel joy, the only thing I do feel is sadness. I spend a lot of my time not thinking about the sadness I listen to music or read. I am going to go now, I need to do some homework ~Faith Dear Diary, My name is Faith and I am a 17 year old guy living in Rome, I bought this diary to try and express my feelings...I don't really know how to begin this I guess I should tell you about my past, let you know who I am. I am not used to expressing my feelings, I usually keep my thoughts and emotions to myself the reason behind this is because I don't really trust anyone. I can't open up to people, because past experiences have taught me trust leaves you open to getting hurt I know this for a fact. I had friends in my life before if that's what you can call them, when I was eleven there was this boy from my class came over to my place. I was so excited that someone came to see me, to visit me and be here to hang out just with me. I remember being at the gate of my home asking the class mate if he liked the power rangers, he shrugged his shoulders and then I madly confessed that I loved it. (I was a lame kid) He came inside to my room and spent a little time with me, he played video games with me for a while and then went home. I was so excited to go to school on Monday, but that excitement ended when I arrived at school and saw the boy who visited me with the other kids the boy was mocking me and the other kids joined in laughing at me and making fun. I felt so stupid for trusting that kid so easily, I hated myself so much, the kids continued to torment me and I just took it, I stayed by myself the entire time after that the teasing and torment did not stop. Around Christmas time I wrote the entire class Christmas cards, that was 25 Christmas cards in total, I handed them out only to watch the kids rip the cards up in front of me and throw it in the bin. I felt so low, the bullying never ended in school, it still goes on, My mother used to stick up for me until she gave up. I remember telling my mother I was getting bullied and she said this to me in her exact words "Faith your not getting any younger you need to sort out your own problems, because I have problems of my own." That was hard to hear, I stopped telling my mom about the bullying, I did not talk to my Dad either, I mean it made sense to me my Mother was right, why should I burden my parents with my problems? I stopped talking to my parents about my problems and put up a facade, I pretended to be happy around them, I never talked about my problems and I never talked about my dreams either. I remember when I was eight I told my mother I dreamed of being a singer, she told me "Faith you will never be a singer, only wealthy people become singers or people with contacts you should give up on being a singer." At first I did not believe her, I believed I could do it. My voice eventually broke, puberty screwed me over. Once my voice broke I gave up that dream and I did not have another, I noticed I was not like the other kid my age, they were confident and happy they had friends and dreams. I was nothing like them, I was alone and I doubted myself. I am too stupid and weak to do anything, and for the longest of time I feel nothing at all, no joy just numb or sadness. Sometimes when I am alone in my room I would stab myself with sewing needles until I would bleed, just so I could feel things. I spend my weekends alone in my room I'm either on the internet or listening to music, I don't do anything else because I don't have any talent, I wish I did I would love to be able to draw or play an instrument or to be able to sing. I love listening to music, but sometimes I hate it, I get so jealous that others could do what I could not. My parents are a little overwhelming at times, my Mother constantly nags, nags, nags and plays the guilt trip claiming no one loves her and that all her kids are terrible. I would often buy my mother presents like DVD's and other things treating her, trying to make her feel better and prove to her I am not bad, my Mother is also prone to mood swings, she takes out her anger on me and when I ask her why she is mad at me, she says it is because she is in a bad mood. I remember once when I was young, I told my mother I was in love and she told me I was just a kid, that I did not know what love was, once again I believed her so I did not form relationships with people, not that anyone would want to date an ugly loser like myself. Till this day I have never gone on a date or been in a relationship, I have never been in love. I often wonder what it's like to be in love, to not feel so alone. I don't sleep much, I have chronic nightmares of all the bullying I got when I was younger and the bullying I still get, a lot of the time I think of suicide. I want to die to escape my life and everything in it. I have nothing to live for, I am a talentless loser and it looks like I will never escape my parents and the idea of being stuck with them for the rest of my life is more than I can bare. I care for them I do, but a big part of me can't stand them. I often go into details when I think of suicide. Sometimes, it's slitting my wrist or overdosing on pills, a lot of the time I think diving off a cliff would be my ideal way. At least for a short time, I could feel like I was flying, before I splatter on the rocks like a pancake. People always say suicide is wrong, that there is so much to live for, but how can it be wrong to kill yourself when you are already dead inside? ~Faith |
InfoFaith Summers is a bird in a cage, always watching those around him experiance love, laughter, joy, life and freedom. Join faith as he unlocks his cage and takes flight searching for his own path, his own life and the meaning of it. Faith's diary's author wishes to remain anonymous. Click here to read first entryArchives |