Dear Diary,
I had a bad day, I try my best not to stand out, I always sit at the back of the class in the corner desk, I spend a lot of time doodling pictures or just writing random stuff out. I never did try the school work, it's just too hard for me, I mean some stuff I could understand, but not everything, not like the rest of my class mates. Finally it was lunch time and I went to my locker to put my books away when I felt this sharp pain in the back of my head. I placed my hand at the back of my head and turned around, no one was there when I looked down I saw a red apple on the ground. How wonderful someone pegged an apple at the back of my head, I went back to putting the books in my locker and taking the ones out for my next class a few moments later someone came near me and leaned on one of the lockers "hey fudge pecker what are you doing." I looked at the guy, he was in some of my classes and I had no idea who he was to be honest, he was one of the regular bullies who picked on me though. I thought about the insult it was an odd one, "Nothing just getting my books for next class ready" I answered him, the bully seemed surprised that I did not respond to the insult and he just kept talking about something, I did not bother listening to him I was rather cynical at this point, anyone being nice to me meant they had to be plotting something. I went to class as usual and sat on the back and I thought about this song I liked, it was something that I thought about when I was having suicidal thoughts. The song is called Hero by Superchik. So this is how some of the lyrics go No one sits with him he doesn't fit in. but we feel do when we make fun of him cause you want to belong do you go along cause his pain is the price for you to belong it's not like you hate him or want to die, but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide or he comes back to school with a gun at his side any kindness from you might have saved his life hero's are made when you make a choice Its deep and insightful lyrics, it keeps me going realizing deep down in this destructive world, I am not alone somewhere out in the world is my best friend and he or she is waiting for me. I need to confess to you diary while I love this song, I also find myself wondering this means anything to the band Superchik, I mean can they relate to this song or are they just marketing on the pain and suffering of people like me. Did they ever feel suicidal...did they ever want to do a school shooting...probably not their a christian rock band....Christian rock band HA that’s hysterical. Something else I need to tell you, while I never thought of going to school with a gun I can understand it. When school shootings happen, the news always portrays the shooter as a villain, they just say "oh he was bullied or never fit in or he was weird." they portray those who escape the school as victims, you see angry parents of the kids who did not survive complaining about school security and cursing the shooter. If I could I would say this not just to the parents of those who lost children, but to the survivors too "well you know what if the shooter was a villain it's only because your shallow and thoughtless children turned him into one, you just say oh he was bullied, like it's so casual do you have any idea how much it fucks a person up, how much emotional and physical pain it leaves on a person, the wounds it leaves, the scars never heal, it will always be there, haunting you, giving you nightmares and leaving you to feel so low about yourself that you just want it all to stop one way or another, but no, you never even considered that have you? Because just like your children, you're self centered sociopath assholes who never once stopped to think how your actions or their actions affect someone else. So instead of thinking how you arrived to this situation maybe it's best to stop your bitching and think how could you have prevented it." I know that may sound harsh, but it's how I feel. I have never thought of harming another, but I can understand why kids go off and solves things with bullets. I am pretty cynical about humanity and despite my name, I have no faith...don’t worry the irony is not lost on me, people will either use you and throw you away when you are done or they hurt you so it's best not to get involved, it's what I do, I just nod my head and smile and go on my way pretending to be a normal and happy person, but truth be told I am not, I feel dead inside, I don't feel anything, no joy or nothing. I went home today and I thought about dropping out of high school to go to a community college, when I told my parents, my mother said "Faith you're not smart enough for it, you are barely surviving high school as it is." I had to admit I deserved everything I got from her, that’s what happens when I open myself up to my parents....they just keep putting me down. I know what's going to happen, I can see it, I will be stuck taking care of them because my siblings were smart enough to move out years ago. The thought of being stuck with my parents, and being alone for the rest of my life it's enough to make me want to die. I thought about the lyrics again and went to my room to lock the door, I kept on telling myself I was stupid for opening myself up to my parents, maybe I am masochistic, I enjoy pain, I live for it and that’s why I open up to them, or maybe it's because I feel so alone I just want to have someone to confide in and bond with without fear of ridicule...I am being stupid, I should just keep my mouth shut and keep to myself and hope that I don't wake up from my sleep or I get hit by a space station or something. An instant and painless death if only I was lucky enough for that, Would I be missed...probably not, I am sitting in my room right now it's a Friday night and I am bored out of my skull, yup this is how I spend every night and day trapped in my room as if it's a prison cell. I wonder what it's like to be able to go out and be myself...to go clubbing with friends and dance until the early morning. I imagine it must be so liberating to be free of all the things that is keeping me on the ground, I think it's best I never experience it, because soon the time of joy would have to end and I would find myself back in this prison thinking of that wonderful night constantly only to haunt me telling me yes I had a great time, but I will never have a night again.....I can't stand this I got myself all worked up Diary I think I am going to go now, I'll be back later. ~Faith
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InfoFaith Summers is a bird in a cage, always watching those around him experiance love, laughter, joy, life and freedom. Join faith as he unlocks his cage and takes flight searching for his own path, his own life and the meaning of it. Faith's diary's author wishes to remain anonymous. Click here to read first entryArchives |