Dear Diary,
I was at school today it turned out to be the usual insults and taunting, nothing new I spent a great deal of time thinking a lot , and I realized I have come a long way since I was a kid. I am 17 and I can admit to myself I am gay, I still cant admit to others, but hey baby steps right, I just need to take this slow. I have been gay for a long time now, The first time I realized I was gay was when i was 11, I remember watching this episode of Jerry springer and there was this really handsome guy on as one of the guest and I felt well....well you know. I was 11 at the time, and at first I did not understand what it was I was feeling, but when I did realize it I was horrified I mean I went to church and my family was religious gay people = Hell simple as that all gay people go to hell and here I was gay. I would always tell myself it would be ok, sure I was gay, but I would never act on this impure urges, I could have fantasy’s about it, but never will I allow myself the experience, I always thought that might be enough to satisfy god. I would also pray to god to make me straight to take away the gay, but it never helped anything & then I would swear to myself not to have homosexual thoughts every time I thought of a guy in that what I would scratch myself up until the point there were white marks on my arms from my nails. Then there were times I would go into great despair, I would just cry and cry and asked myself why me, I was already the dumbest person in class and I could never get anything right I also had no talent what so ever, so why did he have to make me gay too, haven’t I got enough on my plate to handle. I hated myself so much for having these impure thoughts, I still do hate myself for liking guys instead of girls, I still ask all the time why me?, Why did I have to be gay? couldn't I be straight. every time I had a thought about men, I forced myself to think of women, but it always turned me off. I have always been one to have suicidal thoughts, I think about it a lot because of the bullying, but this is also an incentive to do it. I mean if I died I would be free from all the loathing and hate and guilt I felt for being gay. I still hate myself a lot and believe I am going to hell for gay. My parents also keep talking about finding me a smart woman who could cook and take care of me and keep the house clean, and I was just a kid at the time. they still do it now, they have no Idea I am gay, sometimes it would come up in a discussion when we something like a gay person on TV, or as my mom likes to call them "fags or poofters." My mom told me, Faith I don't care if your gay your still my son and I would love you." I know its touching right, then she adds in "of course if you were gay it would be a huge disaster for the family and no one in our family would want to be anywhere near you Ever!." My dad of course calls gay people "Funny people" he believes gay people are sick in the head and needs medical treatment, as if that will work. A lot of people say being gay is a choice, well let me just say this who in their fucking right mind would choose to be gay Who would choose to be discriminated against, tormented, mocked, who would choose to have everyone hate them for the way they were born, BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE. I would never choose this, since I was a kid I lie everyday to those I care about, because I know if I told them they would hate me and even though they never really love me it would still kill me because I love them greatly. who would choose to be persecuted by over 90% of the regions world wide. Who would chose that not me, Who would choose to live a life of secret & solitude. Do you think I enjoy being alone all the time, or that I am living a Lie I always have to watch what I say and do so I don’t give myself away, i go through all this effort for a bunch of homophobic people that claim's to love me, but would disown me if they knew the truth. I love my family, but I have reached breaking point I just want to move away from them and start a life where I can be honest about who I am, and I don't want to be alone any more I want.....friends. I don’t want to be alone, I really don't and I don't want to be stuck with my parents they claim to understand me and read me like a book, but they can't they don't know a god damn thing about me and I am scared always scared that I am going to be alone I don't want to be alone anymore. But I am always alone and I always have to lie to the ones I love to protect them, Everyday that I wake up is a day I wish I hadn't because a little more of me dies each and every day, I am fading away and I have no Idea what will be left in place of me. I also get so angry all the time, because I can never be accepted it eats at my nerves and I loose it over little things. Trust me I would do anything to be straight to have Natural heterosexual thoughts and fantasy's and not the ones, that swim in my head, But I can't I am what I am and I have accepted it. I mean I feel like I am a monster a bad person for having these thoughts I hate myself so much for being this way. WHY can't I be like everyone else, It hurts to be gay to always be an outcast and never fit in, I mean the kids at school knew I was gay before I knew they would call me fudge pecker and a fag and i was like huh. It's hard to deal with and I keep trying to tell you how much I hate myself and how much I hurt inside for being gay, but I can't go into the full detail because there is no magnitude for the pain I always feel. I accept I am gay that the thought of men turns me on, I did not asked to have my brain wired that way, I have tried everything, but nothing has worked, now that I accept what I am, that I am indeed going to hell someday for being gay it makes sense to come out to my family right ? well you are wrong I can't do that, I can't bare the thought of having them hate me, I mean if they hate me for being gay then it's only fake love they have for me and not real unconditional love....I would rather have fake love then no real love at all. ~Faith
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InfoFaith Summers is a bird in a cage, always watching those around him experiance love, laughter, joy, life and freedom. Join faith as he unlocks his cage and takes flight searching for his own path, his own life and the meaning of it. Faith's diary's author wishes to remain anonymous. Click here to read first entryArchives |