Dear Diary, My name is Faith and I am a 17 year old guy living in Rome, I bought this diary to try and express my feelings...I don't really know how to begin this I guess I should tell you about my past, let you know who I am. I am not used to expressing my feelings, I usually keep my thoughts and emotions to myself the reason behind this is because I don't really trust anyone. I can't open up to people, because past experiences have taught me trust leaves you open to getting hurt I know this for a fact. I had friends in my life before if that's what you can call them, when I was eleven there was this boy from my class came over to my place. I was so excited that someone came to see me, to visit me and be here to hang out just with me. I remember being at the gate of my home asking the class mate if he liked the power rangers, he shrugged his shoulders and then I madly confessed that I loved it. (I was a lame kid) He came inside to my room and spent a little time with me, he played video games with me for a while and then went home. I was so excited to go to school on Monday, but that excitement ended when I arrived at school and saw the boy who visited me with the other kids the boy was mocking me and the other kids joined in laughing at me and making fun. I felt so stupid for trusting that kid so easily, I hated myself so much, the kids continued to torment me and I just took it, I stayed by myself the entire time after that the teasing and torment did not stop. Around Christmas time I wrote the entire class Christmas cards, that was 25 Christmas cards in total, I handed them out only to watch the kids rip the cards up in front of me and throw it in the bin. I felt so low, the bullying never ended in school, it still goes on, My mother used to stick up for me until she gave up. I remember telling my mother I was getting bullied and she said this to me in her exact words "Faith your not getting any younger you need to sort out your own problems, because I have problems of my own." That was hard to hear, I stopped telling my mom about the bullying, I did not talk to my Dad either, I mean it made sense to me my Mother was right, why should I burden my parents with my problems? I stopped talking to my parents about my problems and put up a facade, I pretended to be happy around them, I never talked about my problems and I never talked about my dreams either. I remember when I was eight I told my mother I dreamed of being a singer, she told me "Faith you will never be a singer, only wealthy people become singers or people with contacts you should give up on being a singer." At first I did not believe her, I believed I could do it. My voice eventually broke, puberty screwed me over. Once my voice broke I gave up that dream and I did not have another, I noticed I was not like the other kid my age, they were confident and happy they had friends and dreams. I was nothing like them, I was alone and I doubted myself. I am too stupid and weak to do anything, and for the longest of time I feel nothing at all, no joy just numb or sadness. Sometimes when I am alone in my room I would stab myself with sewing needles until I would bleed, just so I could feel things. I spend my weekends alone in my room I'm either on the internet or listening to music, I don't do anything else because I don't have any talent, I wish I did I would love to be able to draw or play an instrument or to be able to sing. I love listening to music, but sometimes I hate it, I get so jealous that others could do what I could not. My parents are a little overwhelming at times, my Mother constantly nags, nags, nags and plays the guilt trip claiming no one loves her and that all her kids are terrible. I would often buy my mother presents like DVD's and other things treating her, trying to make her feel better and prove to her I am not bad, my Mother is also prone to mood swings, she takes out her anger on me and when I ask her why she is mad at me, she says it is because she is in a bad mood. I remember once when I was young, I told my mother I was in love and she told me I was just a kid, that I did not know what love was, once again I believed her so I did not form relationships with people, not that anyone would want to date an ugly loser like myself. Till this day I have never gone on a date or been in a relationship, I have never been in love. I often wonder what it's like to be in love, to not feel so alone. I don't sleep much, I have chronic nightmares of all the bullying I got when I was younger and the bullying I still get, a lot of the time I think of suicide. I want to die to escape my life and everything in it. I have nothing to live for, I am a talentless loser and it looks like I will never escape my parents and the idea of being stuck with them for the rest of my life is more than I can bare. I care for them I do, but a big part of me can't stand them. I often go into details when I think of suicide. Sometimes, it's slitting my wrist or overdosing on pills, a lot of the time I think diving off a cliff would be my ideal way. At least for a short time, I could feel like I was flying, before I splatter on the rocks like a pancake. People always say suicide is wrong, that there is so much to live for, but how can it be wrong to kill yourself when you are already dead inside? ~Faith
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InfoFaith Summers is a bird in a cage, always watching those around him experiance love, laughter, joy, life and freedom. Join faith as he unlocks his cage and takes flight searching for his own path, his own life and the meaning of it. Faith's diary's author wishes to remain anonymous. Click here to read first entryArchives |