October 5, 2005
Diary, The last time I wrote you we were just about to leave Forks. Since then, we have moved up to Alaska with our cousins the Denali coven. We have not decided yet how long we will be staying with them. All we know is that we can not go back to Forks no matter how much we all want to. There is plenty of room for all of us here and we all get along, so it is fine with me however long we decide to stay here. I will say, it is nice to have some more 'people' to be around. Edward stayed with us here for a little while, but being around all of us thinking about Bella became to much for him to bare, so he has gone to stay by himself, and he calls every once in a while to let us know he is still alive, mostly. Carlisle is working at the hospital here again, and the kids have decided against going to school this time. They need the break, and it is easier for them to not think about Bella without school. That girl has affected us all in such profound ways. Our family feels like it is starting to fall apart without her, like once she was introduced into our lives she was suddenly the glue holding us all together. Or maybe it was just that Edward has always been our glue, and we basically lost him when we lost her. It is so hard to see everyone in so much pain. Rosalie does not show it much, but I can see that a part of her misses having Bella around. Even if it is only because of how happy she made Emmett. Emmett loves to mess with everyone, but he especially loved to mess with Bella, to make fun of her clumsiness, and watch her turn bright red. He is so rambunctious, sometimes he reminds me of a toddler. I have not been seeing to much of him and Rosalie lately. Rose has also been having a hard time without Edward, they were never very close but that is her brother. And poor Alice, her and Edward were not only brother and sister but also best friends. And her and Bella were so close they were practically attached to each other. If the poor girl could cry I am sure she would be almost constantly. Between her pain of missing Bella and Edward, she has to deal with her visions of seeing Bella in agony. And on top of all of that, she has to see and feel Jasper's pain and guilt. He blames himself for everything that happened to lead us to where we are. I know it was him who nearly attacked her, but NONE of us blame him in the slightest. We all knew the risks of having a human around, especially after the situation with James. I think Jasper still holds some guilt from that too, he feels he should have known and been able to stop her. Alice too. I am just trying to do my best to get by knowing that all of my kids are hurting. I do my best to try to keep them busy, we go hunting often, and play baseball almost every day. But it just isn't the same anymore. Carlisle has buried himself in his work more than usual lately, he misses his son. Edward was his first companion, and it is hard for him to be away from him. I feel the same, since my very beginning I have always had Carlisle and Edward with me. Aside from the few times that Edward needed to be on his own. However those times were easier because he was not heart broken and shattered like he is now. I wish there was a way that I could make him feel better. Well, I am going to cut this short so that I can spend some time with the kids, they just got home. I will update again soon, hopefully with happier news. Always, Esme
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InfoEsme Cullen the vampire matriarch of the Olympic Coven. She is the wife of Carlisle Cullen and the adoptive mother of Alice, Emmett, Edward Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper Hale. Discover the world through her eyes. Esme's Diary is written by Kayla Fan PageClick here to read first entryArchives |