In my life I always seem to be at turmoil with myself. Or at least not wanting the things I know I shouldn’t have. I know when my Bella realized she could possibly be pregnant I was in shock. I was in denial about it because even though Carlisle & I had talked about the possibility of me giving her the one “Human” memory she wanted on our honeymoon. We never talked about THAT possibility. That night will always be one of the best in my life! Both before my transformation and afterwards. Knowing I was severely disappointed in her reaction, or lack of reaction, to the bruises I left on her fragile body…I will never forgive myself. But she has now shown me how truly content she was and the fact I truly was over reacting in my normal way. I have seen myself through her eyes, as I never thought possible. Reaching home in a short time and having Carlisle evaluate the situation threw me even further into my own self-loathing. For realizing I had implanted my own “demon” seed, if you will, was a death sentence. But damn if Bella wasn’t so stubborn and wouldn’t let Carlisle or I near her long enough to try anything else. Not to mention her new BFF Rosalie! Of all people in the world, Rosalie! But they finally had found some common ground to work on and had reached a sort of truce, per say. Bella allowing her body to break & bruise and to finally give out for a baby was the one thing it seemed Rose could understand. I knew that deep down but it didn’t allow me to see it any different. Bella alone decided to take this on. I was not included and all I saw was her dying and leaving me all alone. I had waited so long for her and to see her slipping thru my fingers little by little was too much. Letting Jacob tear me apart limb from limb was going to be a walk in the park compared to losing Bella like that! And trust I had thought it out. I know now, like I knew then and even further back when I thought Bella had died from her cliff jumping antics…I could not live in a world where she did not exist. Allowing Jacob the chance to finally do what it was he had wanted to do, the reason he was able to be change into a wolf and giving him that final satisfaction was going to be a gift to us both. But then suddenly out of the blue when talking to Bella one day, I heard a thought in the air. If my heart was still beating I think it would have leapt out of my chest! I thought, for one small minute, that my Bella had let me into her head! But then I realized it had a different sort of feeling. Not so much my Bella but no one I truly knew. I realized then I had heard our baby “speak” to me. She liked the sound of Bella’s voice, immensely. It was soothing, and reassuring. It was magical and she felt love. Oh the feelings I felt and heard from my unborn child. When I told Bella what I was “hearing” and how the baby felt about her already, you could see the joy in Bella’s eyes. It spilt down her face and onto our joined hands placed on her tummy. And the baby liked to hear me talk also. The magical sound of my voice and it loved me as well. That moment changed my entire future, my train of thought, and how I would view the world from that point on. A few days later, my beautiful wife was reaching for a cup of blood, Jake’s idea (long story) and that’s when the most terrifying thing happened! (And trust me I have seen a lot of things in my life) It slipped out of her grasp and while reaching for it…well let’s just say it was time. It was time for our beautiful baby to make its appearance, one way or another. Not knowing if what I was doing would work, was I hurting her, was the baby ok…that was pure hell for me. I was so scared of the moment and what would happen it happened in a blur. In the end my beautiful Renesmee arrived and was perfect in every way. Glancing into her eyes and hearing her thoughts first hand was a both wonderful but also difficult because at the same moments I knew my Bella was fading and quickly. I hear my lovely daughters laugh trickling upstairs now as I write, and I thank whatever creator I need to for her daily. She has a wonderful family who loves and cherishes her deeply. I am so glad Bella managed to hold on long enough…for us both. Not to mention how protective Jake is of her. I laugh now because I know he treasures her just as we do. She’s a bit older now. Resembling a teenager versus the 5 ½ year old she truly is. We do home school her and she has the best teachers in the world! I know our time with her is limited because I do see her a Jake growing closer as the years pass. I have to bite my tongue from the thoughts she has…but I also am her father and it comes with the territory. Anyway I “hear” Bella scheming up a dreamy afternoon in our meadow. I must close for now, but not forever. Until next time, Edward
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InfoAfter experiencing Spanish influenza in 1918, Edward was transformed into a vampire by Carlisle Cullen, as the only alternative to death. Over the next ninety years the pair gathered a family of vampires around themselves, and devoted their lives to "vegetarianism". Edward's Diary is written by Jenn Fan PageArchives |