In my life I always seem to be at turmoil with myself. Or at least not wanting the things I know I shouldn’t have. I know when my Bella realized she could possibly be pregnant I was in shock. I was in denial about it because even though Carlisle & I had talked about the possibility of me giving her the one “Human” memory she wanted on our honeymoon. We never talked about THAT possibility. That night will always be one of the best in my life! Both before my transformation and afterwards. Knowing I was severely disappointed in her reaction, or lack of reaction, to the bruises I left on her fragile body…I will never forgive myself. But she has now shown me how truly content she was and the fact I truly was over reacting in my normal way. I have seen myself through her eyes, as I never thought possible. Reaching home in a short time and having Carlisle evaluate the situation threw me even further into my own self-loathing. For realizing I had implanted my own “demon” seed, if you will, was a death sentence. But damn if Bella wasn’t so stubborn and wouldn’t let Carlisle or I near her long enough to try anything else. Not to mention her new BFF Rosalie! Of all people in the world, Rosalie! But they finally had found some common ground to work on and had reached a sort of truce, per say. Bella allowing her body to break & bruise and to finally give out for a baby was the one thing it seemed Rose could understand. I knew that deep down but it didn’t allow me to see it any different. Bella alone decided to take this on. I was not included and all I saw was her dying and leaving me all alone. I had waited so long for her and to see her slipping thru my fingers little by little was too much. Letting Jacob tear me apart limb from limb was going to be a walk in the park compared to losing Bella like that! And trust I had thought it out. I know now, like I knew then and even further back when I thought Bella had died from her cliff jumping antics…I could not live in a world where she did not exist. Allowing Jacob the chance to finally do what it was he had wanted to do, the reason he was able to be change into a wolf and giving him that final satisfaction was going to be a gift to us both. But then suddenly out of the blue when talking to Bella one day, I heard a thought in the air. If my heart was still beating I think it would have leapt out of my chest! I thought, for one small minute, that my Bella had let me into her head! But then I realized it had a different sort of feeling. Not so much my Bella but no one I truly knew. I realized then I had heard our baby “speak” to me. She liked the sound of Bella’s voice, immensely. It was soothing, and reassuring. It was magical and she felt love. Oh the feelings I felt and heard from my unborn child. When I told Bella what I was “hearing” and how the baby felt about her already, you could see the joy in Bella’s eyes. It spilt down her face and onto our joined hands placed on her tummy. And the baby liked to hear me talk also. The magical sound of my voice and it loved me as well. That moment changed my entire future, my train of thought, and how I would view the world from that point on. A few days later, my beautiful wife was reaching for a cup of blood, Jake’s idea (long story) and that’s when the most terrifying thing happened! (And trust me I have seen a lot of things in my life) It slipped out of her grasp and while reaching for it…well let’s just say it was time. It was time for our beautiful baby to make its appearance, one way or another. Not knowing if what I was doing would work, was I hurting her, was the baby ok…that was pure hell for me. I was so scared of the moment and what would happen it happened in a blur. In the end my beautiful Renesmee arrived and was perfect in every way. Glancing into her eyes and hearing her thoughts first hand was a both wonderful but also difficult because at the same moments I knew my Bella was fading and quickly. I hear my lovely daughters laugh trickling upstairs now as I write, and I thank whatever creator I need to for her daily. She has a wonderful family who loves and cherishes her deeply. I am so glad Bella managed to hold on long enough…for us both. Not to mention how protective Jake is of her. I laugh now because I know he treasures her just as we do. She’s a bit older now. Resembling a teenager versus the 5 ½ year old she truly is. We do home school her and she has the best teachers in the world! I know our time with her is limited because I do see her a Jake growing closer as the years pass. I have to bite my tongue from the thoughts she has…but I also am her father and it comes with the territory. Anyway I “hear” Bella scheming up a dreamy afternoon in our meadow. I must close for now, but not forever. Until next time, Edward
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I feel that it’s been forever since I have confided in you. Things are so different from the world I was originally brought up in. People have changed, vehicles have changed & I have changed. I was born to a mother & father whom died from the Spanish Influenza, I contracted the same disease and was knocking at deaths door, until Carlisle brought me over to this life. We didn’t have the traditional movies people see today. We had books, which I devoured as fast as I could get my hands on them. Bram Stoker’s Dracula, H.G. Well’s The Flowering of the Strange Orchid (which is a precursor to science fiction Vampire stories we know of today) Rudyard Kipling’s The Vampire and a few others that have escaped my hazy memories. But these were dark writings, not pleasant, and had a underlying note of the monsters that the imagination created. Not vegetarian, camping, laughing, fun loving vampires that Carlisle tried instilling in me. Meanwhile Carlisle had turned another human. One to hopefully end his lonely existence and that completed him both physically and emotionally. We both helped Esme in the beginning. I found in her a mother figure that I had lost. She was perfect in that role because she had lost a son. That’s what drove her to those cliffs…but that is her story to tell, not mine. Carlisle also realized I had a hidden talent, one that wasn’t so easily found out. It started by him thinking about things and I would answer the questions or comments. At first he was baffled but then his scientific curiosity came out and he practiced it to hone in on it. I could actually read minds! It was a revelation I used when I rebelled for a few years, because I believed we were indeed monsters. Those the stories wrote about, dark & cruel creatures who killed for pleasure versus need. But I was selective in my choices. Even then I had a conscience and only hunted those I ‘read’ as evil doers. These people I hunted, even then, stalked women, raped women, killed women for pleasure. And as Bella once told me, I probably did save more lives than I took. But the fact still remained I did kill for human blood once upon a time…and it was such a power struggle, with myself. The want for the taste of human blood but the knowledge that I could not continue with this without being found out. So after about 4 years I found my way back to Carlisle & Esme, and they welcomed me with open arms. No mentions of what I had done, just acceptance. I guess I am truly lucky in that, to be accepted regardless of what I had done, they didn’t care because I was home.
~Edward February 7th 2012
Bella...she was a vision I knew I couldn't have. Yet she is mine. Both physically, emotionally, spiritually forever. She is a part of me as I am a part of her. But I am jumping ahead of myself and should back up to the beginning. I was born into this world on June 20th 1901 to proud parents Edward & Elizabeth Mason. I was an only child growing up & had the privledged life of an only child in a well to do family. My father was a lawyer which entitled me to private schools and music lessons and various other things that seem to distant to mention. As I got older World War I was going strong and I dreamed of becoming a soldier. But I loved my mother too much to ever think of leaving her. The the Spanish influenza hit and it changed my whole life, literally. My father died in the first round that hit, that bothered my mother tremendously. And soon after my mother & myself contracted the dicease also. There was a doctor caring for us both, in the same hospital ward, whom my mother trusted explicitly and when it was almost her time she told, not asked, him to do anything in his power to save me. Her son. It's almost as if she knew, somehow, of his deepest secret. You see, Dr. Carlisle Cullen was a vampire and only he had the power to save me. Somehow, my mother's last breaths, she encouraged him to save me, and that he did. Its been a long hard struggle and a long road to get to this point in my life. I look across the room and see my loving wife and beautiful daughter, surrounded by people that love & cherish us all as family should. I can't wait to tell you more of my life and the trying times that has brought me to where I am now. ~Edward |
InfoAfter experiencing Spanish influenza in 1918, Edward was transformed into a vampire by Carlisle Cullen, as the only alternative to death. Over the next ninety years the pair gathered a family of vampires around themselves, and devoted their lives to "vegetarianism". Edward's Diary is written by Jenn Fan PageArchives |