July 15, 1926 I was going to spend a few moments jotting down a few things and I noticed that my last entry abruptly ended without further information ever being added. I know exactly what happened and I remember the time with an ache in my mind. I believe if my heart were beating it would be a pain I could not endure. I have had patients try to explain pain to me. Both kinds of pain. The physical and the heartfelt. I am in one part glad that I feel neither. But still I see…. the expressions of grief. The evidence of using liquor and anger to distract one from the awful torment of pain. I do what I can and sometimes it is still not enough… I fought so hard to save the child, and in the end it wasn’t enough. Sometimes it is never enough. Sometimes, I feel so useless. This is the time I am grateful for a heart that doesn’t beat. I am secure in my knowledge that I can keep my “family” with me, safe because of who we are. I cannot imagine my life without them. Time passes rather quickly for us. It seems that those who walk on the edges of darkness, where wars are fought, physical and mental, the time either passes quickly or so slowly that it doesn’t seem to move at all. It is those moments that often stand out in the mind. To be replayed over the years. Sometimes as nightmares and sometimes as moments you would relive over and over. December 12, 1924 is a day I will remember for eternity. It is forever etched as the day my world righted, inside me that is. What was it that little girl said? “color it happy?” Esme certainly has a gift for coloring everything around her happy. I think she carries so much love with her that it overflows and runs rivers of happiness wherever she goes. She is the heart and soul of this family. In her I find my sunshine. Her loves warms me. She completes me. I sat at my desk, absently scanning through the new medical reference I had received from a friend. He had relocated to Europe some time back. “I hope this book reaches you. I also have within me high hopes that all is well with you and your lovely family. I know how much you enjoy learning new material. While I was browsing through the local market the other day I spied a shop. I saw this book in the window and I immediately thought of you.” The note was all that accompanied the book. No return address or name. I smiled to myself. That was Charles. A very dedicated man of science. Loyal, so determine to find a cure for every disease known to man. I hope someday he does just that. I closed the book and set it aside. Listening intently, I heard Edward moving things around in the garage/ storage building. Apparently Esme needed more storage room. I smiled, just thinking of her. My ears searched further… ahhh the garden. I heard the tool scraping across the dirt. I rose to my feet and was across the room in a flash. Of course she heard me coming and as I crossed the patio, she rocked back on her heels and greeted me with a smile. “Carlisle! How nice to see you out here.” There was a twinkle in her eyes. “ I’m sorry Esme. I’ve been neglecting you and Edward lately and I do apologize” I frowned and continued “ I should not have treated either of you that way.” I brightened, finishing, “But everything is under control now and if it ever happens again, please remind me where my place really is.” Esme rose gracefully to her feet. Heavens above, the woman is utterly anaware of her beauty and the effect it has on me. I do believe I was speechless, frozen in place. She calmly walked to where I stood and bless her, she looked up at me with those amazing eyes and agreed. “Of course I will. I could remind you every day if you wish. But Carlisle, what would you have me say? Shall I make you a schedule like you have at the hospital? So that you have a time to be here? Are we supposed to be penciled into your daily routine? Was that pain in her eyes? Hurt in her voice? I thought anger was lingering somewhere as well. This could be difficult and hurt was the last thing I wanted her to feel. Edward strolled into sight at that moment and stated “yes,” a bare pause let me know he was cluing me that indeed she was hurt as well as angry. “I need to go hunt, I will return soon.” He disappeared as soon as ther words left his mouth. Mercy, I thought. Was I that blind? Could I have been so self absorbed? Well, I had my work cut out for me. This was not going to be easy. Esme started gathering her gardening tools. I took them from her and as we walked to put them away, I asked about her day. It seemed that the right time never came for me. I would always be the one for whom things must be decided and then carried out when the moment presented itself. Seems that moment is here. Most of my best moments in life occurred when I simply reacted to the situation before me. And they were always the right ones. For me, that is. I had hopes this would be the best yet. I set her tools on the workbench and turned. She was staring at me, questions burning in her eyes. “Is something wrong, Carlisle?” she asked. “Did I offend you with my words?” “Yes, something is very wrong. I only hope that I can correct it.” I replied. I guided her back to the patio, noting the startled almost frightened expression. “Please, give me time to explain myself” I implored. “Trust me for a few more minutes. I think you will understand soon. I lead her to a bench and gently encouraged her to sit for me. She looked ready to bolt. What, I wondered had I done to scare her? I wanted to pace, gather my thoughts, do this so that in my mind, at least it sounded somehow correct. But I knew that if I let go of her she would be gone, I would have a hard time catching her and she might never listen then. It would also be tragic. For me that is. I looked down into the beautiful, confused face of the woman I loved and took courage. “ Esme,” I said, as I knelt before her. I needed to be able to look her in the face as I begged her to forgive me. I gently took hers hands, not only to keep her in place but I needed to touch her. “You must think me a horrid, blind, selfish man. I am so very sorry. You have been so wonderful, taking care of the house, Edward me, and then the work you do posing as my “wife”. I swear, I am so humbled by the sheer happiness that you bring to this home. I do not know how I have ever lived without it. You brighten everything you touch, the places you have been. Just by the love and unselfish generosity you share with others.” I paused, seeing that she was starting to get more nervous by the word. Uh oh, was this a bad sign? I gently let go of one of her hands and lifted her face back so that I could see her eyes. I implored her “Please, let me finish. I am afraid this is not coming out correctly. Try to understand. I need you to hear this. Please. I wanted to set a moment, a stage if possible, to make it special for you. But I see that I have scared you. I am sorry. Maybe I was premature in this. However, I have begun and I will see this through if you will hear me out? A frown appeared, but she simply continued to look me in the eye. I took a deep breath and I swear her eyes suddenly grew in size until they were saucers. Her mouth form a small “o” of surprise. Finally, I had her attention. “Esme “ I began, a formal tone in my voice. My smile gentled the tone just enough. “I realize your “husband” never treated you as a man should. That is all I will say about him other than I would never treat another human that way. You have lived with us long enough to know that at least. However, I can not continue with things as they are now any longer.” pressure against my fingers, she wanted to stare at the ground again. Would I be able to do this? I refused to let her shift her head. She once again raised her eyes, and I soldiered on, “Esme, forgive me. For not being home more. For neglecting you and Edward. I have no excuse. I am sorry.” I let my tone and expression convey the truth of my words. I think I saw a little disappointment cross her features. Good. Now if I can find the right words. “Wait Esme, I am not finished.” I took both her hands once again holding maybe a little too tightly, as her face gathered more confusion and the frown deepened. I took a really deep breath and began the most important words of my life. “ Esme. I. Love. You.” my breath puffed out and a gentle smile came over her face. “I have loved you for some time now and I wanted to give you time. I thought you needed time to get accustomed to this life, to us, before I told you that. You needed to be able to decide for yourself. You might have decided to go your own way. I would certainly understand, of course.” I was rambling, I realized. Rushing. Almost stumbling over the words I was pouring out. And it looked like she would soon be laughing. “I am not doing a very good job of this am I?” She shook her head, her shoulders were almost shaking with her amusement. “Esme, I simply will not wait another day to find out .. wait that is wrong. Esme, I have never told anyone that I loved them before. I am finding out how hard this is for men. I love you and I will always love you. I lay my heart before you. It is yours. You may do with it as you will. I love you and I would be the happiest, most grateful man in the world if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife. Not for pretend. My real wife. I humble myself before you. I am yours to do with as you will.” I was surprised by the look that was crossing her face. “Carlisle,” her smile gentled, her hands left mine to cup my face. “You know that you don’t have to marry me. I would stay anyway. I didn’t know that you loved me until this very moment. You could have saved yourself some misery, you know.” What? Is this how men get let down? Now the frown was mine. And I was feeling like I wanted to run. I would see this through, though. I needed to know how things stood. If she wanted things to remain as they were, it would work. Somehow. I would make it work. I needed to be able to see her. Everyday. The smile on her face grew till it was almost as big as the moon when it was at it’s fullest. Humor was still evident in her face. But to her credit, she never let it saturate her voice. “Carlisle, quit squirming. Has Edward never let you know my feelings? Heavens! Oh my goodness! I never thought you would fall in love with me! I did not even consider it. Oh!” and with those words she launched herself at me. As her arms encircled my neck she said the words that I will forever hear in my mind. I love you, too! I would be honored to be your wife. To be loved by you. I promise to make you the happiest man ever! I think I fell in love with you when I opened my eyes. Yours was the first face I saw. You have shown me nothing but love. I only dreamed of this. Oh my! You love me!” now she was the one rambling. I could get used to this. Her telling me she loved me. The feeling of her in my arms. She grew quiet, got still and drew back to stare at me. When she was sure of my complete attention, she continued in a calm quite voice. “Carlisle Cullen, I promise to love you, be the best wife, mate, friend, lover and companion that you deserve. I will always do my best to make you the happiest man on earth.” And with that said, she gently sealed the deal with a kiss. NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: This entry was rather long, but sometimes I can’t seem to “put it down”. I promise to try to post a little more often. Soon things around here should be at a place where I can devote more time to my personal interests. I look forward to that. I hope you do, as well. Stay safe, my friends.
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